True Confessions

Hello.

Here are some true confessions.

Confession #1

I was a psychic consultant for a year after I left school and used the money to fund my live performances.  Well, buy shoes actually.  I was totally swizz with the tarot deck.  The word ‘psychic’ gives the impression of visions and voices but that wasn’t me.  I wasn’t a weird angel whisperer.  That would be stupid!

Confession #2

I once talked a mugger out of stealing from me by telling him I had swine flu and was lethally contagious.

Confession #3

Terry Wogan mentioned one of my shows on his morning radio show.  Ticket sales exploded!

Confession #4

I was part of a spoken word group for a short time but my allegiance lay with trying to publish a book.  Another member of the group was a girl called Adele who was actually a pre-fame Emeli Sande.  I didn’t realise it was her until recently.  A haircut and a namechange makes all the difference!  She stayed for two meetings and I stayed for three.

Confession #5

I was invited to support Liz Lochhead for a gig although she went to a party and missed my amazing set.

Confession #6

My largest audience for a show was just shy of one hundred people and that was at The FTH in Falkirk.  My lowest number was about ten and that too was at The FTH in Falkirk.

Confession #7

My brother regularly engaged in armed robberies until jailed for his deeds.  One bungled armed robbery resulted in him breaking his legs.  He fell down some stairs whilst trying to flee the scene of his crime!  We don’t speak anymore.  He gets free bus trips as a result of his disability.  Ugh!

Confession #8

I appeared on television when I was a wee kid and the director of the segment gave me into trouble for trying to hog the camera.  It seems I shoved too many people out of the way to get on TV!

Confession #9

Newsnight Scotland interviewed me at Cumbernauld Theatre but to my horror I later discovered my sideburns were two completely different lengths.  It seems the barber had taken revenge on me for turning down his offer of a ‘shaved eyebrow’ and only trimmed one sideburn!

Confession #10

Someone panned my window (it turns out they were after the people next door and got the wrong house) when I was in primary six and I remember the brick sailing inches past my face and smashing the plug socket into tiny bits.  “I’ve got too much to live for!” I screamed at my mother whilst clutching my dolls.  “I’m going to publish a book one day…”

I was right though.

K x

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